I am a success, I am a failure
Let's forget about the success part. That we can talk about later.
The failure. It's a fluctuating feeling. Sometimes I love my life, despite how boring it is on the outset. Sometimes ... I hate it, exactly because how boring it is. The so-called, "descipline", "self-control", "ambition" are nothing more than euphenisms. It's life or no life. It's having space to be empty. Then life comes in. It takes a great deal to admit this, because it took a great deal to get here. But what can I do?
My friend told me,
When life rapes you, the only solution is to enjoy it.
Ahh.. what dark humor.
What doesn't hold water about this analogy is that the dick of life is invisible. So you aren't actually being fucked. You are just being humilated. Perhaps I can enjoy the humiliation, too?
Thinking as I write, perhaps what I said wasn't exactly true. There is indeed a distinction between life and joy. And both are worth seeking. And I am not totally devoid of joy. (In fact, I think I do have a lot of it, I just only experience them in retrospect, life's camera lens, I guess)
Perhaps life is too big of a word.
I am remembering. A few months ago a girl was sitting in front of me sipping coffee. It was early. I didn't know her. But something prompted me to say,
Wow, you have a huge coffee.
What a absolutely stupid thing to say.
She replied, "ah.. life.."
And that was it. No more word from her/me. Nada
Was she beautiful?
Let's say her hair was curly.
It was a failed attempt, although I don't even know what the attempt was. I wasn't thinking of romance. I didn't know what prompted me to say it. I thought about it from time to time after. It wasn't one of those "waking up from midnight screaming of embarrasment" moments. It was a moment.
But next week we met again for the same meeting. She walked in with the same huge thermos bottle of coffee. Somehow she was beaming with joy when I saw her. A huge smile she wore. And a red sweater.
She, again, sat in front of me and performed the same routine. But somehow I perceived more vigor than the last time I remembered. She opened the cap the thermos (a yellow one? can't exactly remember) very slowly because the coffee was quite full. Then she went to bathroom to get some paper towel to clean the rims of the thermos which was wet with coffee and unpleasant to drink from (because then the coffee drips to your chin).
She took out some bread from her insulating bag. Some bread, don't remember what bread. And starting sipping coffee along with eating the bread. I could hear her teeth or jaw grinding softly. A soft, soft, chew. The room was empty because both of us were early.
Suddenly she turned to me and said, "the same big coffee~", face still infused with the smile she wore minutes earlier (what a long lasting smile).
I can't recall exactly what I felt. But whatever I felt it was a large quantity of it.
Perhaps.. joy?
jason b. crawford
I have started from happiness again.